I wasn’t brought up in church, but always has a belief in God and his existence but it sort of ended there. Since being part of “The Rock”, I have struggled immensely to connect with God and realise that he can save me. I can honestly say that I had no idea of the peace and strength you can receive from having a relationship with God. Jesus was sent so that I would not have to suffer, I never understood the sheer awesomeness of this until just recently.
On Wednesday Anth spoke about us living under shadows which are between us and the light, (Jesus). The Shadow is a place of deception but the more we become focused on this the larger it becomes, blocking out the light to a point where it is completely out of our lives. It was amazing what he spoke about and it really reached out to me and made me truly understand that, that had happened to me.
For 5 years I suffered with an eating disorder, it started as a little spec in my life and in the matter of a few months it had completely took over my life. It started out with little aims and targets, saying to myself - “I will just get to this point, then I will stop.” But I couldn’t, the aims and targets got greater and greater till all control I thought I had was lost.
My problem got so big that in my eyes it was all that existed, it was all that was important to me. I had made it “My God”, discarding everything else. I could not give it up though it was physically and mentally destroying me. In my mind it was all that was keeping me alive. I was pushing everyone I loved away, my husband, my family, my friends. All my energy went into maintaining my disorder, it was physically and mentally draining me and was ultimately so demanding.
As time went on and I showed no improvement and no willingness to get better, people I loved started to loose hope and fade away, thinking that nothing they could do would ever make me see the truth of what I was doing. I sought medical help as part of me knew I needed to do something, I just didn’t think I would ever get out of the hole I was in. As an exercise I had to create a pie chart indicating how much of my life consisted of my disorder and it filled nearly the whole of the chart, leaving little room for anything else, let alone God. I really didn’t know how to get out of this so I just pushed God to one side as an easy option, thinking I would never have the strength to beat this.
With my wedding day looming, I had 2 choices, either choose to get better or stay the way I was and loose everything. I was flicking through an inlay of a Christian album cover, I read the song title and one jumped off the page, it read - “The hardest part of holding on, is letting go.”
I had given up everything in my life to pursue my eating disorder. What had I done with my life? A God given gift and I was literally killing myself. BUT FOR WHAT?
It was a deception, it was a deceit, it was not real, it was not the truth and it wasn’t what God had wanted for me. Ultimately I had to let go of my disorder and give it up to Jesus, which is by no means easy but it was what I had to do, I realised that I couldn’t manage anymore without God.
Overcoming my issues with food and my body was one of the hardest I have ever gone through.
Was it worth it??
110 % YES!!!
Nearly 2 years on from this moment I am the strongest I have ever been in along time and I have a wonderful relationship with God. I can’t live without him. My achievement is thanks to the strength he has given me, I never thought I would be at this stage, I never though I would be free of my shadow. Because I put my trust in God I now know that no-matter what comes my way I will come through it as he is by my side.
I pushed my body to certain limits and thankfully, only due to God's Grace, I have recovered physically and mentally. Blessing me with the gift of carrying a child. So here I am carrying mine and my husbands baby, fully aware that without God in my life I would not be here.
Don’t ruin the gift God gave you. A relationship with God is the most precious relationship you will ever have.
Lorna x
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